Food Allergies

I don't believe in them.  When I was a kid we all went to birthday parties and ate cake and ice cream.  No one was lactose-intolerant, no one got spelt cake, or whatever, because they were allergic to gluten.  Kids ate PB&J for lunch, just like their parents did.  I just can't believe that in a single generation we've gone from largely omnivorous to wildly limited in our ability to digest food.  Allergies are usually imaginary and I don't approve of them. 

Wine Served in Tumblers

Drinking alcoholic beverages out of their proper containers is "having a drink."  Even if it's your fourth drink of the day.  And it's 10 AM.  Drinking alcoholic beverages out of juice glasses means you're an alcoholic.

Velveeta

Cheese is delicious.  I eat too much of it.  What is this?

Fanny Packs

Really?  That's how you want to appear in public?

Light Beer

Tastes like crap and doesn't get you drunk.

Bottled Water

We live in a first world nation: our tap water is safe to drink.  And basically free.  Plus, are we really that thirsty all the time?

Venetian Blinds

They're ugly.  And apparently the rule is that only 1 out of 15 people can get them raised or lowered evenly, and that person is never around.

Wall-To-Wall Carpeting

Wall-to-wall carpeting is disgusting, especially in rentals.  Who wants to walk on an absorbent material that is soaked in other people's bong water/vomit/animal feces.  Yuck.

The Toyota Prius

That is a car for pussies. Real drivers drive stick shifts so they can throw the car in third gear and whiz around people who are driving 65 mph in the left lane.

Running

Unless someone is chasing you with a knife.

Mouthbreathers

People keeping rodents or reptiles as pets

Pajamas in the marital bed

Nicknames

Especially those that end in an "i" or "y."
Candace is a perfectly appropriate name; Candy is not.

Nicknames for Girls

• Abby
• Addie
• Aggie
• Bea
• Billie
• Bree
• Cassie
• Cleo
• Coco
• Daisy
• Dixie
• Dot
• Drea
• Dree
• Dru
• Edie
• Ellie
• Emme
• Evie
• Fifi
• Florrie
• Frankie
• Franny

• Fritzie
• Gigi
• Gracie
• Izzy
• Jaz
• Johnnie
• Josie
• Jules
• Kat
• Kate
• Katie
• Kiki
• Kitty
• Lettie
• Libby
• Lil
• Liv
• Livia
• Lottie
• Lou
• Lulu
• Maisie
• Mamie

• Millie
• Minnie
• Mitzi
• Mo
• Nell
• Nellie
• Nessa
• Penny
• Pippa
• Polly
• Poppy
• Pru
• Rosie
• Sadie
• Sam
• Sasha
• Sukey
• Tay
• Tess
• Tessie
• Tillie
• Vinnie
• Vivi

Wraps

Burritos are fine. Spring rolls, sushi, lavash, also fine. Bread from one culture shouldn't, however, be used to wrap up the food of another culture. It's fusion at its worst.