Subway Pole Leaners

I've found that knuckles in the ribs get 'em standing properly with one hand on the pole.  Or where ever else your knuckles can make contact.

Digital Watches

Just tacky.

Air Freshener

I would rather smell the honest smell of doody than the honest smell of doody overlaid with the chemical smell of fake pine.  The former is yucky; the latter is absolutely nauseating. 

Sweet, Bland Breakfast Foods

Give me a bowl of beef tendon and noodle soup with hot chiles, leftover anchovy and sausage pizza, pork tamales with salsa fresca, but for god's sake, don't offer me an English muffin.  Only sissies eat sweet, bland breakfast foods.  It goes directly to character.

Refusing to Take a Parking Place More than 20 Feet from The Entrance

To those people who circle the Costco parking lot for hours so they don't have to walk an extra 50 feet:  What's wrong with you?  Maybe if you walked the additional 50 feet the 6 lb bag of Doritos in your cart wouldn't put you up a pant size.

The "Sex With Twins" Fantasy

Guys like porn.  Whatever.  But this sex with twins thing?  You would think that incestuous sex with sisters would be one of those fetishes that exist on the margins of the mainstream.  Like sex with pineapples or something.  But no: "sex with twins" returns 140 million results; "sex with pineapples" a mere 17.  Why is the sex with twins fantasy so popular?  They're SISTERS.  That's just yucky.

Vegetarian/Gluten Free/Low Carb diets

I mostly think that people should eat what they want to eat.  The problem with these artificially limited diets is that they are ALWAYS imposed on other people.  You don't want to serve me steak at your house?  Fine.  I'm happy to eat vegetables when I'm a dinner guest at your place.  But etiquette is not situational: the rules of being a dinner guest still apply when you're at my house.  Eat the goddamn steak. 

If you're on a low carb diet, don't eat the bread basket at the restaurant.  But don't explain to me why I shouldn't eat it, or tell me how much weight you've lost since you stopped eating bread.  Good for you and pass the butter, please: I don't want to hear about it.  Gluten free?  Whatever, don't order the pasta.  But don't make the server make special requests to the chef to leave the croutons out of your salad.  Hell is other people's artificial dietary restrictions.

Taking Your Husband's Last Name

I'm not chattel.  Are you?

Ubiquitous Hand Sanitzers

Breeding supergerms as a consequence of public hysteria about largely harmless bacteria is absurd.

White Chocolate

White chocolate is not actually chocolate.  Also, it's disgusting.  NOTHING should be made of white chocolate.

Possums

Are the most disgusting mammal.  The fact that Noah brought them, too, is something of which I do not approve.

Use of the Term "Partner" by Married Heterosexuals

Married, heterosexual people shouldn't refer to their spouses as "partners."  If you take advantage of the heterosexual privilege of marriage, you have to publicly own it.  To use "partner" does not put you in solidarity with gay people.  It's disingenuous, and I don't approve.  Plus, it's annoying.

Food Allergies

I don't believe in them.  When I was a kid we all went to birthday parties and ate cake and ice cream.  No one was lactose-intolerant, no one got spelt cake, or whatever, because they were allergic to gluten.  Kids ate PB&J for lunch, just like their parents did.  I just can't believe that in a single generation we've gone from largely omnivorous to wildly limited in our ability to digest food.  Allergies are usually imaginary and I don't approve of them. 

Wine Served in Tumblers

Drinking alcoholic beverages out of their proper containers is "having a drink."  Even if it's your fourth drink of the day.  And it's 10 AM.  Drinking alcoholic beverages out of juice glasses means you're an alcoholic.

Velveeta

Cheese is delicious.  I eat too much of it.  What is this?

Fanny Packs

Really?  That's how you want to appear in public?

Light Beer

Tastes like crap and doesn't get you drunk.

Bottled Water

We live in a first world nation: our tap water is safe to drink.  And basically free.  Plus, are we really that thirsty all the time?

Venetian Blinds

They're ugly.  And apparently the rule is that only 1 out of 15 people can get them raised or lowered evenly, and that person is never around.

Wall-To-Wall Carpeting

Wall-to-wall carpeting is disgusting, especially in rentals.  Who wants to walk on an absorbent material that is soaked in other people's bong water/vomit/animal feces.  Yuck.

The Toyota Prius

That is a car for pussies. Real drivers drive stick shifts so they can throw the car in third gear and whiz around people who are driving 65 mph in the left lane.

Running

Unless someone is chasing you with a knife.

Mouthbreathers

People keeping rodents or reptiles as pets

Pajamas in the marital bed

Nicknames

Especially those that end in an "i" or "y."
Candace is a perfectly appropriate name; Candy is not.

Nicknames for Girls

• Abby
• Addie
• Aggie
• Bea
• Billie
• Bree
• Cassie
• Cleo
• Coco
• Daisy
• Dixie
• Dot
• Drea
• Dree
• Dru
• Edie
• Ellie
• Emme
• Evie
• Fifi
• Florrie
• Frankie
• Franny

• Fritzie
• Gigi
• Gracie
• Izzy
• Jaz
• Johnnie
• Josie
• Jules
• Kat
• Kate
• Katie
• Kiki
• Kitty
• Lettie
• Libby
• Lil
• Liv
• Livia
• Lottie
• Lou
• Lulu
• Maisie
• Mamie

• Millie
• Minnie
• Mitzi
• Mo
• Nell
• Nellie
• Nessa
• Penny
• Pippa
• Polly
• Poppy
• Pru
• Rosie
• Sadie
• Sam
• Sasha
• Sukey
• Tay
• Tess
• Tessie
• Tillie
• Vinnie
• Vivi

Wraps

Burritos are fine. Spring rolls, sushi, lavash, also fine. Bread from one culture shouldn't, however, be used to wrap up the food of another culture. It's fusion at its worst.